Anger management of Our Child
Expert session Questions and Answers
Firstly when she leaves the task in angry mode just tell her that you don’t like this anger and ask her to first calm down. Tell her you would speak to her once she is calm. Don’t scold or force her when she is angry. Just leave her for a while. After she is calm, speak to her very firmly and affirmatively that being angry has not helped in any case. Instead if she would have tried she would have succeeded and asked her to try again. Tell her stories from Panchatantra how anger does not help.
Saying yes always does not mean being positive. Please say No when it’s required. Slowly and steadily teach her why she can’t have everything. Explain the reasons for saying No. Give valid and logical reasons.
Divert the child into something and explain why he should not touch that. When you say No give an alternative. Tell stories of Bruno series where playing with knives and all is not right is explained.
She is not wrong but flexibility is needed. So teach her to be flexible. If this persists then please consult a child counselor.
I have explained this in the first answer. Along with that try lowering your expectations as a parent. No doubt as parents we want our children to excel but sometimes it’s okay to not be up-to the mark once in a while.
It’s normal for siblings to fight but after the fight, ask both of them to calm down and analyse their behavior. How can they improve in their responses? Also ask them solutions as to what should be done so that the same situation does not arise again. They will come up with solutions which you make a rule like a younger one should ask before taking anything. The Older one should share her things etc.
Firstly bribing or showing fear of doctors is not right. Make a casual visit to the dentist after Lockdown and ask the dentist to explain the importance. You brush your teeth in front of your child and show how white, shiny and healthy they are. Like an advertisement. This will tempt the child to brush. You would need to be patient and innovative. Also when the child is in a good mood try asking why the child does not like brushing. Must be some fear or discomfort.
This comes from friends and the media. Explain her running away from the problem is not a solution. Facing and resolving the problem is important. Many more such situations will come in life. Is she going to run away? Give pointers for her to think and ponder to handle her sibling more better and get her way around the sibling without fighting.
Firstly analyse if any elder around him is short tempered and keeps getting angry often.Secondly stop speaking about his temper among family and outsiders. Thirdly analyse as parents do you pay attention to him only when he throws a tantrum. Many times to seek attention kids indulge in that and then it becomes a habit. Whenever he throws a tantrum don’t give in to his demand, don’t get angry, just be firm and tell him you will listen to him only when he is calm. Mark a zone at home like a cozy corner, sofa, bean bag as a chill out zone and ask him to be there during his tantrum until he calms down.
This too is out of scope of today’s discussion. But I would answer this as the same technique should be used while handling a tantrum or anger. Don’t label her emotion as bad. Whenever she gets emotional ask her to feel it. After the emotion passes, ask her to speak what she wants to. We are very quick in saying what’s there so much to cry in such a trivial thing. Avoid doing that. Be there and ask her to vent out the emotion and then speak for herself. Also during her venting tell her it’s okay, you love her and it’s fine to feel the way she feels.
It’s partly answered above please refer to that too. Patience is the key as a parent. Whenever the child is frustrated avoid being critical or getting angry. Just firmly tell the child that you will speak only when the child calms down. And then speak and ask the child to analyse what triggers it. Very affirmatively and in a non judgmental way discuss the triggers. Tell the child it’s okay to fail but what’s important to rise. Narrate your failure stories and how you dealt with it and overcame it. Discussion about failure, struggle should be done often but in a very affirmative, positive, healthy and non judgemental way. Labelling is a *BIG NO*
He has learnt from there that if someone hurts him physically or emotionally he should hit back. Change that and things will change with him. Next time he falls, just say it’s OK. Even the floor must have gotten hurt. We should be careful while running or walking. Remember children learn from family so as a family your behavior has to be in sync with what you expect from your child.
Walk off when she does this. Tell her you don’t like it and appreciate this. Also analyse that you are giving enough attention and appreciation to her when she does something good. Mostly kids do this to seek attention.
She is ten and growing so you have to be patient with her. For instance, ask her everytime she is teased. Is she going to get angry and scribble in the book? If she says yes, tell her OK I will give you a book. Scribble in that whenever you get angry. Also tell her once she is done scribbling she should write in another book how she is going to deal with it and handle it. How she is going to laugh on herself and the teasing to make the other person feel powerless. Tell her if she responds people around her will not tease but support her.
Set rules and be firm that the rules should be followed. Like no teddy while having dinner as it will become dirty and washing it is not feasible and will spoil it. Also if he emotionally blackmails saying I won’t eat, be firm and say its OK if he does not eat. The food is there he can eat without the teddy. Also look at your behavior as a parent do you emotionally blackmail or bribe to get things done from the child. Like do this I will give you this kind
Give valid and logical reasons for saying a No and don’t give in to their cries and tantrums when you say no. Most importantly don’t feel guilty of saying a NO.
Firstly reduce your expectations and be realistic. We all have failed in our life and learnt from them. Narrate that. There are lot of such stories around us, use them
Parents, Patience is the key.
Most of anger and tantrum children show are because of below reasons.
1. Someone in the family shows similar behavior.
2. Child is attention and appreciation deprived.
3. Child has not been given valid reason when is denied something.
4. Child has been never thought to accept No
5. Expectations of parents are too high and the child is crumbling under the pressure
6. Child is labeled
Communication, setting rules, sharing age appropriate stories and personal experiences related to anger and failure and how u learnt to deal with it will help the child to channelise themselves better. Also acknowledging your anger and the reason for being angry without justifying that anger was correct helps the child to understand you better.
I have summarised here most of things. Marking a chill out zone helps kids of all ages to calm down quickly. Chill out zone has to be cozy and warm and not punishment.
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Nilima Amit – Anger Management for your child