The best way here is to tell them an appropriate story – it will not be possible for me to explain here due to time constraints, but use metaphors to explain it.
Fears could be due to a bad past experience, or fear of a particular person or a certain situation. It’s possible something in the past may have led her to this fear.
Check if fear of failure is an issue here. This is valid for most parents here. Schools never taught us how to react to failure. As parents, we need to teach them. Teach them to face it.
Tell them it’s ok – even celebrate. Analyse his game. I had a client who used to be nervous whenever she came across a specific opponent in the Draw. You have to get to the root cause of what is causing the anxiety. The issue maybe somewhere else.
Fears happen because of multiple reasons. Fears could be due to a bad past experience, or fear of a particular person or a certain situation. Check if something happened in the past where she felt insulted because of what someone said. You will have to gently question her.
In general, let’s also understand that fears are natural and children outgrow them as they grow up. This is part of their development. However, some fears are psychological in nature (like phobias), where you have to take professional help.
Often children look for attention which they are not getting. It could be a parent is not giving enough time, or maybe because they found a way of getting what they want. So you have to identify that, and motivate them towards what you want them to do.
Some children are ‘body-smart’ which means their natural flair is gross body movement. These people are usually good athletes or dancers because that requires aggressive body movement. Besides studies, check if he is getting enough of body movement through sports or anything he loves.
Regarding studying, if they don’t get what they need, there is a distraction. See what motivates him, use that as a ‘carrot’ as a motivation.
I know someone where there were parental relation issues and child suffered. So check these out. Also please don’t compare him with others. Check out his real interests and work through those interests.
This can happen to many of us too. It also depends on how parents behave because children observe. Treat them with respect in front of others – introduce them like adults, make them feel respected. This is a phase – they will outgrow it.
From your description, this seems to be a phobia – take professional help – this fear can be removed.
There is a process that I use called ‘scrambling’. Just tell him this story again and make him imagine those characters as funny cartoons doing funny actions. Let him see the funny side of it. This works well. Also, he will soon outgrow it.
The ages between 13 and 18 are said to be adolescence which means it’s after childhood and before adulthood. Children go through physical and mental changes , they become more aware of their body, their looks, a bit of ego starts getting in, and are also sensitive to what people say.
You need to let her know that it’s alright if expectations are not met. Every champion fails but learns how to rise after that. Ask them to replace the word ‘failure’ with ‘feedback’.
Does she really like to play the sport or is she being forced to? It’s like asking a fish to climb a tree and then judging it. Find out what she likes and give her that. She will do well.
Also, let us not compare our children with others. Every child is unique – find what works for her and she will shine.
Have answered earlier for similar case. Check on a past experience which created this fear – where is this fear coming from. Every fear has a root cause.
Shyam Kalle is a parenting expert by profession. He is a success coach, mind transformation and motivational trainer and also conducts online parenting seminars. Author of the best seller book, ‘The Unbound Transformation’ and is an NLP( Neuro-linguistic programming) Expert.
NLP is a pseudoscientific approach to communication, personal development and psychotherapy. His ideas as a success coach are known to be simple, practical, eye opening and powerful.
His expertise lie in understanding the learning styles of children, handling children emotions, removing their fears, etc.
Shyam Kalle – Help Child Overcome Fear is the topic where he will be answering the growing concerns and questions from the parents.